Hey guys!!
It’s that time of the year again!
You’re heading home for the holidays and the whole world seems full of love and twinkling lights. Presents are placed under the tree and sweets are ready. The family descends from far and wide and requisite family gatherings increase. You spend lots of time with people who have known you forever and care (*cough* pretend to care *cough*) about you!
Christmas Tips!
Yep, your granduncle will lecture you about how easy you have it these days. Your grandma will let you know that she doesn’t want to die without seeing her great-grandchildren. Your mom will chime in about how big your butt is getting. Retired Uncle Sam can’t wait to re-live his bumper fishing trip in excruciating detail and like it or not, wrinkly Aunt Ruby will pull your cheeks with her icy fingers of death.
Fear not, for I come bearing gifts! Strategies to help you get through this real-life Bigg Boss situation. Here’s how you can avoid meeting relatives and make this Christmas season… well.. merry!
Carry Something
Always be carrying SOMETHING! And while you’re carrying it, walk fast. This implies that you have a lot of things to do and can’t be dawdling around chit-chatting to kill time. You will look extra busy when you’re in motion. Once you have put down your pile of items, gather up another pile and repeat.
Wear a suit
Relatives who’ve led successful lives tend to imagine that you’re going down the dangerous path of drugs and debt. They will question your life choices, current affairs, and just about everything else. A suit is like a judgment deflector. Rather than pitying your Arts degree and spoon-feeding you words of wisdom, they’ll commend you for your accomplishments and move on to another target. Once they have left, BAM! Go back to your flip-flops and ragged jeans.
Type an important text
Your aunt with five cats and a bejeweled broach on her blouse sits you down for an intense conversation about how she doesn’t like the bakery’s new blueberry muffins. She then proceeds to ask about your recent breakup. What do you do? Start texting. Nothing is real except your phone. Be the phone!
Find your allies
You no doubt have cousins who feel the way you do. Pour yourselves a glass of wine away from everyone else and enjoy some private, like-minded conversations. Hey, you ARE with family after all! You just like this relative/s more than the rest.
Have a bad memory
There’s your dad’s second cousin’s wife’s sister coming your way. You’ve met her once before and you know how nosy… i mean… interested she is in your life. Skip on the HiiIIiiiIIIiii’s. Instead, look her straight in the eye, and without apology go, “who are you?”
Try and go a different way before they notice
The good old “duck and hide” strategy! Survey the area beforehand and make a note of things you can hide behind and under as well as all exits. If all else fails, hide behind a book. Nobody likes readers.
Escape
Remember when you were a kid and you told your mom you were staying over at Jessica’s house? And Jessica told her mom she was staying over at Andrea’s house? And Andrea told her mom.. you get the drift. Gather up all these friends who have relatives they want to avoid and plan a “last-minute” outing. Make up an emotional story, if you need to. Someone’s dog died, someone else got dumped… Then scoot.
Don’t own a car
You’d think this would give you more independence, but no. You’ll be trapped in the social world by being forced to show up at places, give people rides, pick them, and drop them off. Instead, confine yourself to your room with an absurd hobby, like say, Wikipedia editing.
I hope these handy-dandy tips turn out to be handy-dandy! I haven’t tried them yet, because my relatives are an awesome bunch! Let me know how it goes!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!
